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Am Missing Her So Much Today It Hurts

Hello there my lovelies.

It’s been a while since writing in behind the scenes with me. 2021, no 2019, 2020 and 2021 has been a reflective year for me and am sure for you too. In 2019. I gave up 8 months of my life to spend some of the best life learning months of my life. I took out the time to look after my favourite aunt who was battling with a life treating illness. Aunty Elva was full of life and youth and every time you were around her, you couldn’t help but fall in love with her.

We had so much different views of life, but we were so close and we shared some similarities.

We both were strong black women, very caring, we spoke our minds and we both loved life. Even though she was in her 80’s – her whole way of being was like a 30 year old woman. All her friends were in their 30’s -50’s. If we were out and about in the shops and she saw an elderly man and woman her age she would say “Look at that old woman or man.” and would say ” You do know that you’re the same age as them aunty Elva?”

She was defiantly one of a kind. I miss her so much it hurts.

I was so heart broken when she finally passed last year at 85 years of age. My whole world was turned upside down without her and I don’t really know how to explain to myself that she’s gone, just this sense of something is missing. I always thought she would live forever – I wanted her to live forever.

A week before she passed she shared with me her dreams of becoming a famous travelling cook, travelling around the world cook amazing and tasty meals from different ingredients that she found from the surroundings in the country she was visiting and staying in. We managed to do some recording of her cooking her favourite dishes.

I’m really going to miss her.

I was so happy that I got to celebrate her 85th birthday and Christmas with last year. I remember her beautiful smile that always made me feel safe.

Since her passing my life has changed somewhat. You really can’t tell on the outside, but something has changed on the inside. And in time am hoping to have the bravery to share it with you. As am writing this post I know it’s coming from a place of change. Change is hard – even if you want to change you sometimes just don’t know how to change.

But one thing am learning to embrace is that change takes time and I’ve got to be okay with that. Am now embracing the process and the journey and learning not to be afraid of what I might find along the way.


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Written by Rachael Phillips

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